A Letter to the Engeldingers

Reuven Rahamim

An Open Letter to the Parents of Andrew Engeldinger

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Engeldinger,

It's been a month and a half since my cousin, Reuven, was brutally murdered by your son at Accent Signage in Minneapolis. Perhaps things have gone back to some semblence of normal out there in Minnesota. You've accepted the fact that your estranged son of 2 years will never come back to you, and the media is focusing on things like Hurricane Sandy and the presidential elections. I'm sorry for your loss.

Here in Israel, I'm living a completely different reality. The trauma that your son inflicted on me is crippling. I can't concentrate at work the way I used to, a day doesn't go by without me imagining the hundred and one ways I would have stopped your son had I known ahead of time what he was planning, and the pain that I feel for the loss of someone so full of compassion is masked by the anger I have towards you both every  waking moment.

Most of the time, I push myself back into the storage closet of my mind so that I can focus on something even more important- his family. His 83 year old mother. His two sisters and brother. His neices and nephews. All completely devastated by the evil that inhabited this world in the form of your son, Andrew Engeldinger.

Yesterday they unveiled the tombstone at Reuven's burial place here in Israel. I couldn't attend because I was with his mother at the hospital, who was rushed there the night before. Every day, she cannot be left alone because she cries. She cries so much it hurts her eyes. She's in pain, and every day I spend with her I see the gaping hole left in her life. I see three siblings, missing their brother. Like a car with a wheel that blew out and still somehow trying to manage along the road of life.

Here in Israel, I read the news and saw the images and videos of the funeral. I read the police reports, and learned of the mental illness your son was suffering from. You told the public how you tried to help him two years ago, but that he refused and cut you off. You said this might be an explanation, but not a justification. Keep telling that to yourself.

From the moment of conception, Andrew was your responsibility until the day you died. Children who are grown are still children. Parents who grow older are still parents. People tell me "you can't force someone into a relationship with you if they don't want it". In my opinion, this doesn't apply to a mother/father-son relationship. The moment you let Andrew go and stopped trying to move the earth to help him was the moment you sealed the fate of your son, of my dear cousin Reuven, and of the 4 other people who were brutally and senselessly murdered.

We can sit here and blame the NRA or blame the government for not having a system in place to stop gun permits from being given to those with a history of mental issues. But that's not where the blame belongs.

Although Reuven is gone, his mother will never stop being his mother. She'll never stop missing him and the days and nights where we comfort her will continue to be many. She never let go of her son- she always encouraged him, loved him, and he gave her the world.

Andrew was your son. You raised him. You let him walk out of your lives two years ago. Now that Andrew is gone, you are forced once again to take up the role of his parents. And now, you're left to pick up his pieces and deal with his mess. No matter how far away your child runs from you, you are always their parent. But I guess you've figured that out by now.

I hope you're able to find peace with yourselves. In the mean time, I'll stay here in Israel and pick up where Reuven left off- taking care of his mother.

I'm sorry I ever had a reason to have to write you this letter.

Drew

Photo: Renee Jones Shneider, Star Tribune